I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
