so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
