I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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