If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
