I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Randomize
