A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
