PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
