please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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