we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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