somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
