a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
