so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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