Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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