Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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