Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
