Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
