thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How naked do you want me to be?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
