i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
