yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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