tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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