I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
