guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
