i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
