There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
do herpes really smell.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
