Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
