Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
