Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
