You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
