Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
