Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
