Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
