Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She's JV to your varsity
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
