I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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