4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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