I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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