Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
