I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
