when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
