i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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