Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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