Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I did not marry a roomba.
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