One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
