I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
