sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
