it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
