i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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