My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
