I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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