just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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