Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
